


I just wanna make both those cheeks red (cos that would make my cheeks red too)

by nibblechops



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Getting Together, M/M, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-04 22:45:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15157271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nibblechops/pseuds/nibblechops
Summary: A drunken night leads to internal conflict and self discovery but it's all for the best.





	1. A night of firsts

It was a Saturday night and Dan, for the lack of a better way to explain it, was completely shit faced. Rather than staying in and binge watching some shitty Netflix original with a cheap bottle of wine he had been convinced to come out and to actually get drunk with other people. 

This did have plus sides though. So far, he’d got with a blonde girl who had spent a good 5 minutes trying to get his attention. It was nice to just let go and have that little confidence boost through the validation of other people. 

Currently though he was being dragged through the crowd by his plastered friends, all trying to convince him to come out into the little smoking area despite the rain that was pouring down. They were just getting to the edge of the doors when Dan managed to pull himself away from them attempting to make motions over the music to let them know he was going to the bar in a last-ditch attempt to avoid water and smelling like stale smoke. 

“Guys I’m going to go get a drink text me when you’re back inside” and with that Dan made his escape to the bar, not really caring if they had heard him or not.

He made his way into the line for the bar noticing all the pissed-up people around him knowing in reality he was in the exact same position. He stood slightly swaying to the music that pounded throughout the venue knowing he didn’t really need more alcohol, but when it was as cheap as it is within student bars he might as well have another.

It was while he was waiting in this line he noticed someone very obviously checking him out. Unlike the attention he had gotten the rest of the night this time it was a guy not a girl, and quite frankly Dan didn’t mind that at all. He allowed himself to look the guy up and down noticing the dark hair that fell into his face, sweat making it droop down from where the guy had tried to push it up to start with. 

He noticed that the dark brunette was wearing a tight shirt, and tighter jeans, but in all honesty, Dan found him really attractive. More attractive than the women who he had managed to pull tonight. But this wasn’t right. He was straight right? 

So why right now was all he was interested in doing was being able to kiss another guy.

Running his hand through his hair Dan shoved his way closer to the bar, eventually finding himself at the front trying to shove the thought of the admittedly attractive guy out of his head. 

 

“Can I get a double vodka and a Jager bomb please?” The bar tender merely began pouring the drinks not really acknowledging what Dan had actually ordered. Nevertheless, two drinks found their way in front of him and Dan handed over his money, not really caring how much they had cost him.

As soon as he got his change he shoved it into his pocket and downed both drinks needing them both to hit him fast, so he could actually maintain enough of a buzz to not leave before his friends made it back inside.

From the corner of his eye he could see the guy from earlier still eyeing him up, trying to decide whether he wanted to try and make a move on him or not. Instead of letting him decide Dan, feeling confident for once decided to just say fuck it, and he made his way over to the dark-haired boy and made the choice for him. 

The two headed into the crowd together, Dan allowing himself to be pulled by the hand, the alcohol in his system allowing him to throw caution to the wind. At that moment he didn’t care about what anyone else might think.

The two boys grinded against each other, Dan finding himself more and more turned on by the boy in front of him, more than trying to focus on the women that he typically should find attractive. 

It seemed like hours later, when it was only a few short moments when the dark-haired boy turned around to face Dan, looping his hands around his neck. In that moment Dan could focus on nothing else other than the overwhelming urge to kiss the boy in front of him. 

He bent his head towards the other boy’s ear and spoke, “Can I kiss you?”

The other boy nodded his head enthusiastically pulling Dan’s lips towards his own and before Dan could really question his impulses his lips met those of the dark-haired boys.

Their lips moved against each other’s slowly at first, Dan not really knowing how to progress from this and then he felt his lower lip being pulled into the other boy’s mouth and a soft bite putting pressure on his own lip.

At this Dan moaned softly he allowed his mouth to open up to the other boy before he took charge, exploring the other boy’s mouth with his own tongue enjoying every single moment of it.

He pulled the dark-haired boy closer towards him enjoying the feeling of sharper hip bones against his fingers and a harsher pull of his hair compared to that of the women he usually found himself entangled with.

He didn’t question for a second what he was doing he just enjoyed the feeling of himself against that of another man. 

Eventually the other boy pulled away from Dan winked at him and disappeared into the crowd. With that Dan just stared after him completely starstruck and completely and utterly turned on. 

He was about to follow after him when he felt a pull on his shoulder,

“Dan, Sarah’s been sick c’mon man we need to take her home.”

 

With that Dan stared back into the crowd trying to spot the boy who he had just been pressed up against, but before he had chance to spot him he was being pulled by his arm towards the exit, the dark-haired boy lost in a drunk and hazy memory.

Dan somehow managed to stumble home without letting on to his flatmates what had happened while they had been gone, and none of them brought it up so he was reassured his little experiment was safe. He knew if any of them had seen it they would have been taking the piss out of him right now, no matter how ‘responsible’ they were trying to be for Sarah. 

Eventually they made their way back into the flat everyone making their way into beds accompanied by pint glasses of water to combat the oncoming hangovers.

Dan collapsed into his bed trying to kick his jeans off his legs with the feeling of the dark-haired boy’s lips against his own still on his mind, and how good it had actually felt.

With that Dan allowed the darkness to take him into a deep sleep feeling completely and utterly exhausted. 

The next afternoon came around and Dan found himself moaning in pain as he began to come to consciousness. Eventually he stopped tossing and turning and opened his eyes slightly spotting the water on his nightstand, realising he might have had a few too many last night.  
He gulped the water down greedily trying to recount how he had actually ended up in his own bed.

It hit him all at once, Dan a self-proclaimed straight male, had full on made out with another man. And he had enjoyed it.

Just like that everything he thought he knew about himself was thrown away, and a new crisis began.


	2. The Morning After

Eventually he dragged himself out of his bed, running his hands through the greasy mess that could once be called his hair. He stumbled straight into the bathroom stripping himself of his clothes as he went memories of last night rushing through his head a mile a minute. 

He stood in the shower numbly letting the hot water pour over him, washing away his sins of the previous night. He almost wished he could wash the memories away with the dirt, forget anything had happened and go back to living a life where that niggling doubt didn’t exist.  
He stood for what felt like hours just letting the hot water run over him until it went cold. Eventually he pushed himself off the wall he had been slumped against. It was time for him to try and face reality. 

Wrapping a towel around his shivering body he collapsed back onto his bed soaking the bed sheets as he allowed the bed to take all the weight of his body. He reached blindly for his phone and let out a sigh of relief when he noticed he had no notifications asking about what he had done last night.  
The only good thing actually coming from everything that had happened being that nobody else knew but him. The most comforting thing about the doubt was knowing that he didn’t have to try and explain himself to anybody else. 

He threw his phone back among the sheets of his bed and buried his head into his pillows. Anyone who was about might have heard the muffled scream he let out. 

All he could think about were the implications of his actions. Did this mean he was gay? Was he bi? The questions flooded his thoughts but the answers to them didn’t sit right in his head. Was it just a one off? Was he deep in denial? 

He was so frustrated with himself, wasn’t 19 a bit too old to be having a sexuality crisis. If he was really attracted to other men why hadn’t he noticed it before now? He wasn’t homophobic, he was perfectly at ease with people finding other people attractive no matter what their gender, so why was this sitting so uneasy with him?

The emptiness of his stomach eventually caught up with him, making itself known to Dan that it was actually time to put clothes on and venture into the kitchen. Face his flatmates. 

He quickly pulled on a pair of clean jeans and grabbed a cleanish looking t-shirt. He hesitated in front of his bedroom door, fingers resting lightly on the handle. 

“C’mon Dan stop being a dickhead. They don’t know. It’s going to be fine.”

He quickly pulled his door open and forced his body out of the room before he had a chance to talk himself back out of it and headed into the kitchen.

To his relief there was only one other person in there, at least he wouldn’t need to be too sociable. 

“You alright mate? Or are you a bit rough?” 

Dan looked over to his flatmate and chuckled to himself before replying, “well I’ve definitely felt better.”

“Me too pal. Think I’m going to go die in bed for the rest of the day, just couldn’t ignore the need to eat any longer.”

Dan made a vague sound of acknowledgment at his, too focused on rooting through his cupboard trying to find anything that resembled a quick meal. He settled on a pot noodle and made his way over to the kettle and flipped it on. 

He curled in on himself waiting for it to boil in the corner of the kitchen not noticing when another one of his flatmates stumbled into the kitchen.

“Dan. You okay?”

His head shot up trying to find the owner of the voice. The girl, Emma, stood staring at him with concern etched all over her face. Dan forced himself out of the ball he’d forced himself into. 

“I’m good, just a nice mix of tired, hungover and hungry. How are you doing after last night?”

She let out a laugh responding “a lot better than you by the looks. You actually look half dead. No offence.”

“Not sure how I’m not supposed to take offence to that one to be honest but thanks.” 

“Fuck off you twat. You know what I meant. You look fucking miserable who died?”

The words rushed out of his mouth before he could stop them. 

“My heterosexuality apparently.”

He looked up with a panicked expression realising what he had just admitted to. “I didn’t mean that” he added. Really, he knew that it was a weak attempt of trying to throw her off the scent. But it was worth a try, right?

“Dude what the fuck happened last night? You wanna actually talk to someone about this?”

He didn’t reply to her though he just poured the hot water and quickly escaped into his room clutching his food. 

He fell into the corner of his bed, placing the noodles on his bedside table and buried his face back into his pillow trying to steady his heart that seemed to be going a mile a minute. He could feel his phone vibrating from somewhere within his sheets, but he ignored it in favour of listening to the voice in his head convincing him he’d just fucked his life up.

Eventually he managed to get a steady hold on his own breathing and ate the food he so desperately needed. 

He wrapped himself back up in his bedsheets and allowed his body to succumb to the exhaustion that remained from the previous night. 

It wasn’t until a few hours later that he actually came back around, the darkness that poured through the window told him that it must have been quite a bit later, but he just felt drowsy and delirious. 

He laid staring at the ceiling for a few seconds before he became aware of what had actually brought him out of his sleeping state. He could hear someone knocking on his door, and before he could think of any reason why not to open it he flung it open ready to tell whoever was behind it to fuck off. 

“Oh, thank god. Dan you prick you fucking scared me earlier. Are you okay?”  
“Emma what do you want?” He looked at her confused his brain taking a good 30 seconds to actually register why she’d be knocking at his door. It eventually dawned on him and he went to shut the door again muttering to her “I’m fine just forget about what I said earlier it was just a shit joke.”

Before he could get the door fully closed she stuck her foot in between the door and the frame.  
“Shut it Howell. I’m coming in.” With that she barged through the door pushing herself fully into his room. Dan just let out a tired sigh allowing it to happen and walked back towards his bed. 

“What do you want Emma I told you everything’s fine. Am in not allowed to just be hungover?”

“Dan me and you both know that’s not what’s up. Talk to me believe it or not I actually care if you’re doing okay or not." 

With one final sigh Dan sat on the edge of his bed, Emma slotting next to him. He felt her hand grab his and began rubbing circles against the back of his hand. “C’mon Dan talk to me mate.”

“I’m having a bit of a crisis Emma. I ended up kissing another guy last night, and I didn’t mind it at all. I don’t know what that means because it feels like it should change everything. What’s worse is I feel like I’m too old to be having doubts like this. Shouldn’t I have realised before? I just don’t know what to do about it or even what to do with myself.”

“Dan look at me.”

He brought his eyes up to meet hers and a second later he felt two arms wrap themselves around his body.

“It’s okay not to know okay? There’s no such thing as too old. It doesn’t change who you are, you’re still you.” She spoke these words softly to him, wanting to ease the mental turmoil he was experiencing right now, and then she added while shooting him a cheeky grin, “it might change who you’re sleeping with though.”

Dan shoved her off him giggling. “Wow thanks Emma I feel so much better now” sarcasm dripping off his tongue as he spoke.

“You don’t have to be in a hurry to put a label on things you know, you’re allowed to just exist without one. Don’t stress over it, you can just like boys okay. You don’t have to feel pressured to define what it is to other people if you don’t want to.”

This time it was Dan wrapping her in a hug muttering his thanks into her ear and hugging her tighter.


	3. We can go any elsewhere

In the next few days Dan spent every waking moment internally puzzling over everything that happened that night, in the end putting the blame for his choices on too much vodka. A valid excuse if there was such a thing.

He couldn’t quite come to terms with this new found apparent liking for the same gender, he had never before had thoughts like that, so it had to just be some drunken stupid mistake.

After swearing off the drink in his hungover state on Sunday morning the next weekend he found himself being convinced into going to a house party at ‘a friend of a friends’. As always the offer of following his flatmates into a complete strangers home sounded incredibly appealing. Obviously. Yet, he found himself agreeing to it anyway.

That Saturday night Dan found himself once again pulling on a nice pair of jeans and one of his better shirts in an attempt to look like he was making an effort. He met his flatmates in the kitchen to be assaulted with shots and beerpong before it had even hit 7 in the evening.

While waiting for the girls to eventually be ready Dan found himself half way to being drunk thanks to his particularly shit beerpong skills. He was enjoying the confidence that came with it though, feeling actually comfortable with being around his flatmates properly again.

By 9 he found himself being led towards the house party by his flatmates.

“So, Danny, will you be attempting to pull your usual type tonight or are you going for something a little bit different?”

He turned around seeing Emma with the cheekiest smirk written all over her face. “For fucks sake Emma really? Do you have to ask? I was doing well to forget about drunk-definitely-possessed-dan’s actions.” He laughed as he spoke mentally noting to keep himself away from hard spirits tonight. “Myself and vodka is no longer my OTP. I still feel violated.”

“Poor Danny. They wouldn’t call them spirits though if they couldn’t possess you.”

Dan shot Emma a glare at that. “Do you even know how not funny that was. Like I’m genuinely disappointed in you right now please never speak to me again.”

“Whatever Danny-boy we’re here now, hopefully this isn’t a secret ploy to lure in students and then harvest their organs.” With a smirk and a wink Emma disappeared inside the house. Dan stared after her for a second, completely speechless over the words that had just come out of her mouth, before continuing through the door himself.

He pushed his way through the crowd hoping he’d find the kitchen soon enough. Ahead of him he saw another one of his flatmates gesture for him to come over. Praying that was in the direction of the kitchen Dan continued over to him.

“Here mate you want a beer? You can just take whatever you want.” Soon after a beer was pushed into his hand as the other guy wondered back into the crowd towards a group of dancing girls. Dan meanwhile took the can and went into the back garden.

He was already happy to be out of the business of the main party and was glad to have space to breathe. He cracked open the can and took a deep drink, wincing slightly as the taste of cheap beer hit his tongue, reminding him why he usually ended up drinking spirits.

A few moments later he heard footsteps coming towards him, his peace cut short by the presence of another person.

“Not a fan of the big crowds huh? A man truly after my own heart.”

Dan spun around to see who the voice had come from to be greeted with what he could only describe as perfection. He looked them up and down and was met with a chuckle.

“If you fuck me with your eyes any harder we’re going to need a safe word.” The arrogant tone within the stranger’s voice earned a smirk in response from Dan.

It was at this point Dan replied to the stranger at last, “whatever you say, daddy.” The sarcasm was evident in his voice, but it still caught the other man by surprise. Dan watched smugly as he saw the other man choke on a mouthful of the same shitty lager and clearly struggle to think of any witty way to respond to that.

“I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Phil. What’s the name to go with your pretty face?” A blush spread across Dan’s cheekbones upon hearing this.

“Daniel, nice to meet you” he replied with a grin. “At least I can say at least one good thing has come out of tonight now.”

Phil chuckled to himself bringing a cigarette to his lips and lighting it, he motioned the pack over to Dan, “they’re menthols.” With that Dan also pulled one out between the cardboard and took the lighter from Phil’s outstretched hand.

“I shouldn’t, but it’s as good excuse as any to not have to go back in and fight with the crowd again.” Phil nodded inhaling, watching as Dan lit his own cigarette and passing the lighter back to Phil. “Thanks mate.”

“Aww I’m demoted to mate now, think I preferred Daddy.” Dan coughed up smoke laughing at Phil’s cheeky reply. “What’s a guy like you doing here anyway if it’s not your usual cup of tea?”

“Flatmates.” Dan said this with a grimace on his face.

“I mean if you’re not too tied to the idea of sticking around here all night I have a joint I could be willing to share, and there’s a park just up the road. That’s if you want to of course?”

Dan looked the other guy up and down once more, he couldn’t have been much older than 22. His black hair was pushed carefully back into a quiff, there didn’t look like there was something inherently evil about him. He weighed his options, stay here bored or go smoke with a cute guy. Fuck the consequences.

“Sure, I’ll only be bored shitless here.”

With that Phil began to head out through the back garden, backing onto the street Dan vaguely remembers walking down not half an hour earlier. He was still slightly drunk, he didn’t care that he was leaving with a random guy. All that was running through his mind was ‘how the fuck is someone like this interested in talking to me’.

They walked alongside each other, and for once the awkward silence Dan had come to expect when  
meeting new people never came.

They talked about the stage they were both at in their lives, Dan learning that Phil had recently graduated, but was just as unprepared to actually accept adult responsibilities as he was himself, no matter if the world was trying to tell them otherwise in their newfound independence.

They bonded over their mutual hatred of uni accommodation and adoration of muse, that at least putting Dan at ease that he hadn’t left the party with a complete psychopath.

Everything between them felt more natural, Dan didn’t find himself trying to feign being comfortable around the other man. He just felt at ease within his presence.

Before long the two were sat next to each other on the swings, passing the joint between them. Dan was beginning to lose his inhibitions completely. Any boundary set by social standards seemed so far away from where he was in his mind at that moment. He may have been slightly faded.

“Are you doing alright there Danny?” Dan turned to his side to face Phil and nodded slowly, Phil chuckled seeing just how sleepy the other boy looked.

“I’m just thinking.” Dan replied lazily. Phil hummed acknowledging what Dan had said.

“Anything profound Mister?” Phil questioned.

“Howell. Sort of. Just thinking about how really the things we do in our lives have no real significance if you put us in the bigger picture of the universe, so why do we hold ourselves to such strict rules as if behaving ‘well’ even matters?”

“Well, Mister Howell, if you were living life in that way what would you do different right now?”

Dan stared at Phil for a few seconds thinking the question over. “Probably strip naked and run down the street screaming.” Both boys burst into a fit of giggles at this, the mental image tipping their less than sober brains into being highly amused.

Phil reached for Dan’s hand and pulled them both down onto the grass. He looked at Dan and asked, “Stargaze with me for a bit?”. Dan nodded shyly and laid down fully next to Phil letting his hand slip from the other mans grasp. Once they were both fully laid down Dan reconnected their hands and smiled to himself as he felt Phil’s thumb rub circles on the back of his hand.

Both of them laid there staring up at the stars just feeling at peace with the rest of the world not really caring what was happening outside of the bubble they had created for themselves. Dan turned to look at Phil admiring just how infatuated he looked with the stars above him. He found himself squeezing Phil’s hand tighter.

Before too long Phil let out a sigh, to which Dan responded, but with a yawn. Phil at last said to Dan, “I suppose I should walk you home before we both end up falling asleep on this field.” Dan nodded in approval but making no real effort to move. “C’mon you lazy shit, I’m not pulling you up.” Dan groaned as he lifted his head up off the ground. Phil at this point took pity of the other boy and held his hand out. “Take it before I change my mind.”

Dan grinned like a Cheshire cat at this and quickly took Phil’s hand allowing his body to be pulled fully off the ground and landing on his feet. “Thanks Daddy.” Dan immediately felt himself being shoved away by Phil, unfortunately though Dan had not let go of Phil’s other hand so they both went barrelling towards the floor landing on top of each other.

“Well” Phil whispered to the boy beneath him, “looks like we’ve caught ourselves in quite the compromising position.”

Dan chuckled before saying, “Get off me then before you suffocate me.”

“Hmm. If you want me to get up it’s going to cost you.” Phil gave Dan a smug look and Dan just rolled his eyes.

“What do you want Philly?”

“How does a kiss sound?” Dan met Phil’s eyes briefly before shyly nodding his head in agreement, his eyes then flickered down to the other mans lips as Phil took the opportunity to close the space between them.

The two boys laid there intertwined with one another paying no attention to the world that continued around them.

Unfortunately, it was at this point Dan heard the shout of his name coming from somewhere over on the street just off from the park.

“Oi Danny, is that you? Come on mate we’re heading back and I’m not leaving you on your own.”

Dan found himself pulling away from Phil, and Phil in turn rolled off the other boy and stood up, this time pulling Dan straight up with him.

“Can I get your number?” Dan looked at the ground as he shyly asked Phil this. Phil on the other hand was enthusiastically nodding.

“Give me your phone Howell.” Dan reached into his pocket and handed his phone over to the other man.

“Dan are you coming or am I going to have to drag you away?” The voice shouted over again, Dan eventually realising it was Emma.

“I’ll be over in a sec, give me a chance.”

At this Phil gave Dan his phone back. “Don’t be a stranger okay?” Phil leant over and kissed Dan softly again.

Dan smiled to himself and whispered a quick goodbye before disappearing down the street with his flatmates leaving the dark-haired boy behind.


	4. Don't want to die yet can't afford it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When it all goes tits up, all that's left to do is run.

Waking up the next morning felt like the worst choice Dan had made in his life. He knew exactly what he’d done and why he’d done it. That didn’t mean he could face up to it.

Instead he dragged his suffering, hungover being out of his tiny bed and forced himself to throw clothes on his body. He grabbed a bag and chucked a change of clothes into it. He grabbed his wallet, phone and charger and headed towards the train station.

As soon as he left the flat he was shoving his earphones in bumping the volume up in order to try and drown out the thoughts in his brain. He walked to the train station feeling sick to his stomach. He couldn’t stay here. 

Through all the confusion that surrounded him there was one thing he knew, he had to get out.  
He found himself walking straight into the train station, buying a random ticket a good couple of hours away and climbing on the train.

He collapsed into his seat and simultaneously his composure collapsed as well. He leant towards the window just allowing tears to cascade down his face. He felt completely numb, the tears a product of his own frustration at himself for his brain not even being able to make him feel anything. 

He sat there for the entire journey, music on maximum volume and crying silently at how fucking lost and pathetic he felt. 

2 hours later he found himself in a dull half dead coastal town. He pulled himself together enough to wipe the tears from his eyes, grab his bag and get off the train. He immediately walked into the toilets looking at the mess he was in the mirror.

Tear tracks stained his cheeks, the bags under his eyes made it look like he hadn’t slept in years. He looked just as awful as he felt. 

Quickly splashing water onto his face, he attempted to scrub the tear tracks from his face before leaving the bathrooms and the station completely choosing the busiest looking road to head down hoping it lead towards the sea front. 

He made it down the winding streets finding himself at last in front of the ocean. He abandoned the path and walked straight up onto the sand wincing slightly as he felt his shoes begin to fill with it.

Once he was straight in front of the sea Dan allowed his bag to fall off his shoulders and fall onto the sand surrounding him. Dan also sunk into the sand in front of the sea and just sat there staring into the coastline.

In that moment life felt like nothing and everything at once, being confronted with the vastness of the ocean made him feel small. It was hard to hold his own life as something significant when he himself was exactly like a grain of sand on the beach when compared to the rest of the galaxy. Yet, it did not stop his thoughts from consuming him entirely.

The tears began to fall again, but this time there was emotion in them. He felt like he’d betrayed himself and the path that was laid out for his life. He was supposed to go to university, get a degree find a nice wife maybe have a couple of kids. Maybe even a couple of dogs as well. But he’d fucked it up.

He wasn’t meant to fall onto this path. He couldn’t like men, that wasn’t part of the plan. His mum and dad already knew what they had always wanted for him. Fuck he knew what he wanted for himself, and this wasn’t it. He wasn’t allowed to feel this way it was wrong.

Dan had no issues with people being queer he really didn’t, it was just that this wasn’t the way his life was supposed to go. He couldn’t let his family down like this.

The tears continued to roll down his face one after another as Dan continued to stare into the horizon. For once in his life he enjoyed the feeling of his own insignificance.

Everything he was going through didn’t really matter. Not to anyone. His existence didn’t matter. If he swam into the ocean and drowned the world would carry on. Sure a few people would be upset but in regard to the universe it wouldn’t matter at all.

He didn’t matter. That thought hit him over and over, and the tears only continued to flow as he was left visibly shaking in an attempt to contain his own emotions. 

Sure, he thought about Phil, how sweet he was, how much he liked being with him. How unfairly fucking attractive he thought he was. He felt the guilt more though. He felt guilty for how much he liked him, how attractive he thought he was. How much he enjoyed being kissed and held by another man. 

He thought about how upset his parents would be in him if they knew about it, how disappointed they would be in how much they had tried to secure a good future for him, just for him to go out and fuck it all up. 

He couldn’t be himself. The person who he kept hidden underneath a fringe, underneath the alcohol and bad decisions. It was his own personal secret. A person who couldn’t be shown to anyone but himself. Everyone else saw someone different, a staged persona that only imitated the acceptable parts of who he truly was.

To be himself would be to let down everyone around him, and he couldn’t let himself do it.

Dan had been sat there for over an hour, his head was pounding from all the crying, but the tears wouldn’t stop. He felt his heart physically break, all the stress and bottling up of everything had finally caught up with him. He felt fully broken, like he would never feel the same again after this.

The sea had retreated towards the horizon in the time he had been sat there, he watched it shrink back inch by inch. Land once claimed by the cold waters regaining its freedom minute by minute. 

Dan finally got up needing to move his legs that had both gone numb from being sat in one position for so long. He slowly got back up to his feet and wiped his cheeks with the sleeves of his hoodie before reaching to pick his bag back up. 

He continued to walk across the beach, eventually reaching a pier. He pulled himself up the steps, feeling a few stray raindrops hit him as he reached the top. He noticed the lack of anyone else around him as he slowly made his way to the end. 

The clouded sky seemed to pull any aura of hope from the area, as Dan continued to stare out into the sea completely lost. He realised that there wasn’t any going back to his ignorance of his identity. He could either consciously choose to ignore it, or he could act on it. Truthfully, he wanted to go with the former, the one that wouldn’t complicate his life, the one his parents would be happy with. The option that was part of the path his life should be taking. 

Dan leant on the railings seeing a few stray padlocks bolted onto the wires with initials carved onto each of them. People who wanted others to see that they loved each other, people who were unashamed to be themselves. People who Dan in that moment was irrationally angry at. 

He didn’t want to be ashamed, but it felt like all other aspects of his life were telling him that he should be. He didn’t want to be different, he was happy to be another straight white boy just going about in an uncomplicated life. 

It was his decision to make. Carry on in denial or live his truth.

Either way the decision only mattered to him. Nothing would change outside of his life by the decision he made. That didn’t stop it from terrifying him.

Dan left the pier, walking back past old Victorian street lamps, all of which had flickered to life with the build up of fog setting in around him. He walked back onto the main promenade, past doughnut shops and arcades. Stopping only to take photos that he would no doubt post all over Instagram to make what he’d done today seem normal to other people.

Again, he was already planning on keeping himself hidden from others. He found himself constantly confronting himself with the directions he could take his life. He knew once he got back into his real life he would have to go with one. So, which one was it going to be?

He found himself circling back to his original spot on the beach, only this time with chips and a bottle of water. Dan was still completely lost in his head, separated from the reality that continued around him. 

Other people’s lives didn’t matter to him though, he was too absorbed in what he was going to do in order to sort his own life out. He allowed himself to get lost in the view of the ocean again. He wanted to be swallowed by it, then life wouldn’t be complicated. He wouldn’t have to deal with the repercussions of letting everyone down. 

He didn’t want to die. But, just as much, he didn’t actively find himself wanting to be alive. 

It would be so much easier to just disappear, to fuck off to some place nobody knew his name, a place where he could just be alive without people constantly expecting something from him. He wanted that so much. Just to leave everything behind. Even if he just stayed here. Nobody knew him no one expected anything from a stranger.

Why did he have to go back to so many fucking labels and expectations? Why did every part of who he was have to be put in some bullshit category just to validate it being a part of him? Why couldn’t he just exist?

He found himself getting more and more frustrated by this. Why couldn’t all humans just fucking exist without limiting themselves to some fucking standard that doesn’t actually matter?

If nothing mattered he could just turn around go back and just live as himself without being worried about him breaking some unspoken social normality that he was just supposed to go along with without question.

Yet, at the same time, why did he care so fucking much about what other people felt. It’s his life, why couldn’t he just live it for himself? Nobody else matters in this life. If one life is meaningless in the face of the universe, why was he so fucking scared of making his life something that mattered to him?

He at last felt like he’d come to some agreement with himself of what he was going to do. He couldn’t be bothered to not let himself experience the things he wanted to do. Life is way too short for that.

Why could he not let himself have the courage to exist in the way he wanted to?

It was in asking himself this that he decided that it was all he wanted to do. He wanted to just exist without being so fucking concerned about what other people wanted and expected if it meant that he was actually going to enjoy being alive.

With this Dan found himself for the first time in hours reaching for his phone. He was sat on a random beach, contemplating his place in the universe, and for the first time all day he finally felt okay. He felt a bit more at peace with who he was and what he actually wanted out of life.

It was this that pushed him to open up his contacts and find Phil’s number. 

“Hey, it’s Dan. I really enjoyed meeting you the other day. Fancy getting a drink? X”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to update this somewhat weekly ty everyone who has left kudos ly all <3


End file.
